29 December 2008


I was just thinking how I'd like to move to a different planet and know nobody and have no past or anything, but I realized how that is unpractical and now my position has shifted. I think the way to solve my dilemma is to just recreate totally from scratch any conception of who I think I am, and the first thing I need to make clear is that I am not a cool person in any way or by any means.

I'm not implying that previously I thought of myself as 'cool,' but I think by having a facebook profile and trying to enjoy good music and keeping up on trends I gave the impression that I think of myself as cool or seek to be seen that way. For the record I don't, and I can't be. I'm just not cool enough as it is and I have no motivation to make myself cool-- it's just too much work. Is blogging cool? I don't feel cool as I type away at my computer so I'm going to say no, it's not necessarily cool.

For one, I used to be funny but now I'm not. Somewhere along the line I lost the energy to make myself a spectacle and now I'm much more satisfied sitting on the sidelines. That's not cool. I also don't get fucked up enough anymore to be cool-- I get scared of blacking out and driving now, and I get hangovers really easily all of a sudden and it's just tiring having to deal with feeling shitty. I also can't BBM, so there's another subtraction of coolness points. I only have an iPhone and with that you can do everything but BBM. Poor little me. I don't really have a desire to BBM but I'm sure that statement will be met with "You don't know what you're missing"'s by others. Oh well.

Also, everything trips me out. Everything. Anything pop culture, movies, music videos, shopping, it all trips me out. It's not that it paralyzes me and makes me want to cry, it more inspires me to think and notice cultural problems and want to write about them. That is sooo not cool. I should be able to get excited about an upcoming film or be motivated to listen to the hot new jams but instead I'm more liable to find some huge social problem linked to media consumption and then tell myself I will not, would not, can not see that film. Or that show, or whatever. That's not cool, that's weird. And I'm estranging myself from society when I do that. A good example is how I see certain movie posters and I laugh inside and worry about the future of humanity because of their mass appeal while a friend then says he is so excited to see the same film. What's wrong with me, can't I have a little fun? The same goes for television shows, except I never know what's going on in TV land because I don't have a television because the shows can't hold my attention and the commercials I find truly insulting to my (and our collective) intelligence. All of this is not cool. Not cool at all.

I also have few friends and for some reason am not consistently troubled by that. Occasionally I'll want to meet people but I never make the effort and I'm not trying to pity myself. It's just how it goes. A few people have told me later after becoming friends that when we first met, they thought I hated them and I seemed like a jerk so I guess that may be somewhat linked to my low friend count. It's just so much effort to act like a cheery, friendly sorority girl though. I can't do it, it's too hard. I'm really not a jerk though, those people were mistaken. I'm a nice guy; but I'm not a cool guy.

Because of my few friends I also generally don't go out much. That's like the end-all for anyone that wants to be cool. To be cool, you have to be really social and go out a lot and do things, I think. I generally go to work and keep up on homework and read, or get really excited when interesting things happen in the news or just teach myself about interesting social movements and subcultures like the beginnings of drag queens or Cyberpunk. None of this recounting of my life is supposed to interest you the reader, I'm just using this to prove how truly un-cool I am.

Finally, I do things that are really not sexy. I pick my nose, I don't ride a bike or drive, I take the bus mostly everywhere and everybody knows the bus is probably the most unsexy mode of transportation out there. I also do not 'work-out.' I'm really skinny and pale and totally out of shape and none of this bothers me, which just shows how inherently uncool I am. One of my favorite parts of the day is waking up to an empty house and drinking my coffee and making a bagel. Then I manage to top it off with a shower and I'm super pleased. I don't even think people eat breakfast anymore so the fact that I make it a point to have the day's 'most important meal' is totally not bad-ass and thus, not cool. I'm also pretty good at budgeting my money and saving, which is not the typical tendency for my generation. We all have bad credit and don't care about money, but for some reason I can't help but stay on top of my finances. The fact that I even talk about finances is totally not cool because money is supposed to be totally insignificant and meaningless to my fellow free-spirited youths.

The point of this manifesto is basically to lower any expectations that myself or those around me may have regarding my actions. Do not be surprised if I bore you, because I have made it clear that I am not a cool person and am probably left with my own social apathy far into the unforeseeable future.

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